Content © 2012-2017 by American IronHorse Owners Organization.  Use of AIH Logo Licensed by American Ironhorse, LLC
Rules for Children I am not a father myself.  Well, at least not that I am aware of (although technically there could be paternal issues in Panama, Utah and Chicago).  I get my fatherhood fix by using children belonging to friends and family.  That way, I derive all the benefits of being a daddy without any of the hassles such as mystery messes, designer clothing or college tuition payments.  Dealing with children on any level provides for challenges encountered nowhere else in our social structure. I was initially confounded by the “normal” child’s staunch refusal to subscribe to the laws of physics or to even understand simple logic.  I discovered that children aren’t really complete morons but instead are governed by a set of rules established by an understandably limited world view.   In order to more effectively enjoy the little spawns of Satan, I decided I should try to see life through their eyes in order to better understand their motivations.  Through experience and observation, I was able to assemble a list of rules for living as understood by the average child.  Some of these rules are as follows: Playing Causing other children bodily injury is great fun. Any disturbance or misbehavior is the sole responsibility of the other child.  Any evidence to the contrary (i.e.: you got busted) is “NOT FAIR!” Fun is directly proportionate to the expense of the household item being destroyed. Outside voices are even more effective inside.  Screaming is even better. Putting toys back where they belong is strictly verboten. Fat Max’s motorcycle makes an AWESOME jungle gym! Eating Food must be as bland and tasteless as possible.  Edibility improves the closer the food gets to tasting like cardboard. No food item may touch another food item on the plate or else all becomes contaminated and unfit to eat. Spoons are not only to be used for consuming food but launching it, too.  Ceiling fans may be utilized for additional dispersion. Only the minimum acceptable amount of food is to be consumed.  Negotiations are suggested, as in: one bite of meat equals two bites of carrots or three French fries equals one chicken nugget.  Constant food leveraging may be required in order to reduce intake of vegetables, salad or other “icky” menu items. The “it’s too spicy” strategy doesn’t work with certain foods such as oatmeal, cauliflower and rice. All food is too hot until it has assumed room temperature, at which time the “cold and yucky” argument may be attempted. Seafood is a fun game as well as a source of nutrition. Liver may be effectively hidden in a glass of milk. Other undesirable food items may be secreted in your nose, under your plate or in your little sister’s shirt. The only acceptable location for food that cannot be hidden is on the floor. Starving kids in India, no matter how sorry their plight, are not a valid concern. If you tell a humorous story and your little sister squirts milk out of her nose, you have won.  Bathroom When traveling, no child has to pee until such time that turning back becomes impractical. Diaper changing time is also an opportunity to improve one’s break dancing skills. All clothing, including shoes and socks, must be completely removed in order to use the potty. Toilet paper can be a scarce resource, so limit use to one roll per wipe. Substances deposited on the mirror should always be unidentifiable and almost impossible to remove. Pooping in the bathtub should be utilized only in emergency situations or anytime you don’t want to take a bath, whichever occurs first. Sleeping Sleep is to be resisted at all costs, for that is when your parents like to have sex and you don’t need another sibling sucking up all the attention. Use stalling tactics to delay bedtime such as using the bathroom, getting a drink of water or just running around naked and screaming while refusing to put on your jammies. Never knock when entering the parent’s bedroom as they will always appreciate your surprising them.  This is doubly true for bathrooms.  Regardless, once you have achieved entry, simply stand in the doorway and stare without saying anything. Other Pointless questions should be reserved until such time that the adult is on the phone. Adults are unable to hear children when on the phone, so both the volume and frequency of the question must be increased. If the answer to the question is “No,” then repeat the question even more loudly until the answer is either “yes” or your bottom turns red. Band-aids aren’t just for “owies;” they are also high-fashion accessories. If anything goes counter to your desires, a tantrum is the preferred default response.  Try to wait for a public forum to completely freak out.  That will either increase the odds of success or reduce the severity of the spanking, as applicable. Only by inserting it into their mouth may a child conduct a satisfactory examination of interesting objects. Dirt, spiders, boogers and jagged pieces of metal are all interesting objects. The rules, of course, include far more than those listed and vary from child to child, however, they do capture the essence of our little ones thought processes.  Most may be traced to two governing precepts: immediate gratification combined with a complete disregard for consequences.  This is where being the pseudo-daddy shows its greatest advantage.  Like grandparents, the pseudo-daddy’s attitude is “screw child development, just give them what they want and let the parents deal with it.”  Once this attitude was adopted, I discovered that the hearts and minds of children belonged to me.  My house is the “Promised Land” where the kiddies never have to grow up, clean their rooms or wash before dinner.  My house is where they can stay up until midnight, jacked up on gummi worms and milk duds, watching questionably appropriate television such as Sons of Anarchy or Caligula.  I even once earned a tearful “I wish you were my Daddy!”  Awesome! This should not be regarded as a call to irresponsibility - I actually run a fairly tight ship.  No child has ever killed another or had to be hospitalized for injuries incurred under my supervision.  Neither have any died from malnutrition nor grown a cavity on my watch.  I always strive to return said children to their parents in mostly the same shape as I got them, although they are usually more tired, smell worse and may require corrective therapy later on.  My greatest reward, though, is to see the happiness on their faces when they learn they’ll be spending an evening with their “oh-shit-we-can’t-get-a-babysitter” pal, Fat Max.
March 7, 2015
Want to contact Fat Max? email Fat Max ...
ORGANIZATION ORGANIZATION OWNERS OWNERS For All American Ironhorse Motorcycle Owners
Fat Max
© 2012-2017   American IronHorse Owners Organization Use of AIH Logo Licensed by American Ironhorse, LLC 
Rules for Children I am not a father myself.  Well, at least not that I am aware of (although technically there could be paternal issues in Panama, Utah and Chicago).  I get my fatherhood fix by using children belonging to friends and family.  That way, I derive all the benefits of being a daddy without any of the hassles such as mystery messes, designer clothing or college tuition payments.  Dealing with children on any level provides for challenges encountered nowhere else in our social structure. I was initially confounded by the “normal” child’s staunch refusal to subscribe to the laws of physics or to even understand simple logic.  I discovered that children aren’t really complete morons but instead are governed by a set of rules established by an understandably limited world view.   In order to more effectively enjoy the little spawns of Satan, I decided I should try to see life through their eyes in order to better understand their motivations.  Through experience and observation, I was able to assemble a list of rules for living as understood by the average child.  Some of these rules are as follows: Playing Causing other children bodily injury is great fun. Any disturbance or misbehavior is the sole responsibility of the other child.  Any evidence to the contrary (i.e.: you got busted) is “NOT FAIR!” Fun is directly proportionate to the expense of the household item being destroyed. Outside voices are even more effective inside.  Screaming is even better. Putting toys back where they belong is strictly verboten. Fat Max’s motorcycle makes an AWESOME jungle gym! Eating Food must be as bland and tasteless as possible.  Edibility improves the closer the food gets to tasting like cardboard. No food item may touch another food item on the plate or else all becomes contaminated and unfit to eat. Spoons are not only to be used for consuming food but launching it, too.  Ceiling fans may be utilized for additional dispersion. Only the minimum acceptable amount of food is to be consumed.  Negotiations are suggested, as in: one bite of meat equals two bites of carrots or three French fries equals one chicken nugget.  Constant food leveraging may be required in order to reduce intake of vegetables, salad or other “icky” menu items. The “it’s too spicy” strategy doesn’t work with certain foods such as oatmeal, cauliflower and rice. All food is too hot until it has assumed room temperature, at which time the “cold and yucky” argument may be attempted. Seafood is a fun game as well as a source of nutrition. Liver may be effectively hidden in a glass of milk. Other undesirable food items may be secreted in your nose, under your plate or in your little sister’s shirt. The only acceptable location for food that cannot be hidden is on the floor. Starving kids in India, no matter how sorry their plight, are not a valid concern. If you tell a humorous story and your little sister squirts milk out of her nose, you have won.  Bathroom When traveling, no child has to pee until such time that turning back becomes impractical. Diaper changing time is also an opportunity to improve one’s break dancing skills. All clothing, including shoes and socks, must be completely removed in order to use the potty. Toilet paper can be a scarce resource, so limit use to one roll per wipe. Substances deposited on the mirror should always be unidentifiable and almost impossible to remove. Pooping in the bathtub should be utilized only in emergency situations or anytime you don’t want to take a bath, whichever occurs first. Sleeping Sleep is to be resisted at all costs, for that is when your parents like to have sex and you don’t need another sibling sucking up all the attention. Use stalling tactics to delay bedtime such as using the bathroom, getting a drink of water or just running around naked and screaming while refusing to put on your jammies. Never knock when entering the parent’s bedroom as they will always appreciate your surprising them.  This is doubly true for bathrooms.  Regardless, once you have achieved entry, simply stand in the doorway and stare without saying anything. Other Pointless questions should be reserved until such time that the adult is on the phone. Adults are unable to hear children when on the phone, so both the volume and frequency of the question must be increased. If the answer to the question is “No,” then repeat the question even more loudly until the answer is either “yes” or your bottom turns red. Band-aids aren’t just for “owies;” they are also high- fashion accessories. If anything goes counter to your desires, a tantrum is the preferred default response.  Try to wait for a public forum to completely freak out.  That will either increase the odds of success or reduce the severity of the spanking, as applicable. Only by inserting it into their mouth may a child conduct a satisfactory examination of interesting objects. Dirt, spiders, boogers and jagged pieces of metal are all interesting objects. The rules, of course, include far more than those listed and vary from child to child, however, they do capture the essence of our little ones thought processes.  Most may be traced to two governing precepts: immediate gratification combined with a complete disregard for consequences.  This is where being the pseudo-daddy shows its greatest advantage.  Like grandparents, the pseudo-daddy’s attitude is “screw child development, just give them what they want and let the parents deal with it.”  Once this attitude was adopted, I discovered that the hearts and minds of children belonged to me.  My house is the “Promised Land” where the kiddies never have to grow up, clean their rooms or wash before dinner.  My house is where they can stay up until midnight, jacked up on gummi worms and milk duds, watching questionably appropriate television such as Sons of Anarchy or Caligula.  I even once earned a tearful “I wish you were my Daddy!”  Awesome! This should not be regarded as a call to irresponsibility - I actually run a fairly tight ship.  No child has ever killed another or had to be hospitalized for injuries incurred under my supervision.  Neither have any died from malnutrition nor grown a cavity on my watch.  I always strive to return said children to their parents in mostly the same shape as I got them, although they are usually more tired, smell worse and may require corrective therapy later on.  My greatest reward, though, is to see the happiness on their faces when they learn they’ll be spending an evening with their “oh-shit-we-can’t-get- a-babysitter” pal, Fat Max.
March 7, 2015
Want to contact Fat Max? email Fat Max ...
ORGANIZATION ORGANIZATION OWNERS OWNERS
Fat Max